You can have the best intentions in the world and still end up doing the same things on repeat.

Grab the junk food on the way home.
Scroll for an hour because you’re fried.
Snap at someone you love because you’ve got nothing left.
Book a gym membership… and then quietly fund the gym’s business model for five years.

That’s where Skill to Fill comes in.

In the Phoenix Cups framework, Cups represent needs. We use “Cup” and “need” interchangeably. The Will to Fill is the empty part of the Cup that drives you to meet a need. The Skill to Fill is what you learn over time, the choices you build (and practise) so your needs get met in ways that actually support your life. These skills are behaviours - both actions, and thoughts. 

This episode is basically our way of saying: the drive is automatic. The skill takes work.

You don’t have to “create” the Will to Fill. You don’t have to download it. You were born with it.

If a Cup is low, your system will push you towards something. Anything. Sometimes that “something” is helpful. Sometimes it’s just the fastest hit of relief available.

Skill to Fill is the part that turns a reactive pattern into a steady one. It’s the part that helps you meet the same needs with more intention, more predictability, and less mess.

In the Cupify This podcast, Sandi and Chris talk about those unplanned, in-the-moment choices.

Unplanned doesn’t always mean “bad”. It just means it’s not thought through.

Example: it’s 9pm, you’ve worked late, you’re starving, and you swing through a drive-through because your Safety Cup is empty and you need food, now. That’s relief.

Do that occasionally and it’s life.

Do that as your main pattern and eventually it starts to cost you, not only in physical health, but also in energy, mood, and even self-trust. You can end up feeling like you’re constantly catching up.

Skill to Fill looks like noticing the pattern before you’re desperate. It looks like making a plan because you already know what late nights do to you.

Pack something. Eat earlier. Keep food ready at home. Decide in advance. Not because you “should”, because it helps you feel better.

We use food a lot as an example because it’s concrete. But Skill to Fill applies to all five Cups.

Take Freedom.

A Freedom Cup crash can look like storming out, quitting in a blaze of glory, or blowing up your whole schedule because you feel trapped.

Skill to Fill looks more like:
“I need Freedom. I’m going to put in annual leave. I’m going to plan a trip. I’m going to tell my partner what’s going on, so it doesn’t blindside them.”

And here’s a sneaky thing we love: planning can fill a Cup too. Booking the leave, imagining the trip, mapping the route, that can start restoring Freedom before you even go anywhere.

One of the big points in this episode is that Cup filling isn’t only about actions. It’s also about thinking.

The way you interpret a situation can drain a Cup or support it.

If your Connection Cup is low, your mind might start telling you stories like “No one cares,” or “I’m too much,” or “I’ll just keep it to myself.” That thinking doesn’t help you fill connection. It usually drives you further away from it.

Skill to Fill includes learning to notice unhelpful thinking and choosing a different response: reaching out, asking directly, reminding yourself of what’s already true, doing something that builds closeness instead of pulling you into isolation.

We’ll go deeper into this in future episodes because it matters more than people realise.

Sandi shares a painfully relatable story in the episode: the gym membership that basically became a donation. Five years of “I’ll start next week.”

Then the shift: choosing a goal that actually fits real life. Twice a week. Not hero-mode. Something sustainable.

That’s Skill to Fill.

Not the fantasy plan. The doable one. The kind that builds self-trust because you actually follow through.

If you want a simple way to use this concept, do a tiny audit:

Ask: “Which Cup have I been filling with quick relief lately?”
Then ask: “What would Skill to Fill look like for that Cup, in my actual life?”

Pick one change that is small enough to keep.

That’s how skills build. Through steady and intentional practice, not dramatic overhauls. 

If this episode gave you a lightbulb moment, go and listen to the full Skill to Fill conversation HERE

Chris and Sandi unpack how the Will to Fill drives us, why we get stuck in patterns that don’t really work, and how to build choices that create real fulfilment over time.

Author: Sandi Phoenix